i'm a little more than useless.

written on thursday, september 29, 2011 -- one month and one day away from my 16th birthday
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Just a little. *holds index finger and thumb less than a millimeter apart*  I'm running on the caffeine from the two mugs of green tea I consumed this morning and my brain swears it cannot intake anything more.  It has no desire to read, to learn, to fill in annoying scantrons, to listen to lectures for an hour and forty minutes.  How I'm writing this in words you can understand is a happy surprise, because my mind is not thinking them.  No, it's my fingers swiftly moving across the keyboard, the sincerity of a sleep-deprived sophomore.

I procrastinated my 401 page AR book until four days before I would be tested over it.  And miraculously, I pulled it off.  My mom -- my sweet, sweet mother -- stayed up with me until midnight, reading and listening to me stumble over page after page, making sure I didn't fall asleep.  She coaxed me into drinking green tea (I was so shaky I was sure I would spill it), which is the only reason I'm able to type this post of nonsense at this very moment, like I said in my first sentence *head/desk*

So I'm feeling quite useless today, pale and black circles underneath my eyes.  Huge navy jacket swallowing my 5'6 1/2" frame, grey Keds on my feet, Old Navy shirt and jeans sporadically matched.  I keep catching myself gazing off into the distance, then quickly snapping out of it once I notice someone looking at me, wondering what I'm doing in my own little world.  I have a volleyball game tonight, and I'm hoping my reflexes will work for me, but I know they'll at least be a little slow, due the fact I only got four hours of sleep last night.

friday, september 30, 2011 -- one month exactly until i'm officially 16
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Oh, yesterday was nothing. The green tea has now worn off, and I am COMPLETELY useless.  I fell like I could collapse on my desk at any given moment -- legit.  I even told the guy I sit with on the bus to not take it personally if I fell out on him this morning.  Awkward? Yes. True? VERY.

On days like these, I need to know I'm a little more than useless, and this verse proves it:

You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you... 

[john 15:16]

God chose me.  Set me apart.  He has a purpose for my life, even on days like these, even if I can't see what it is.  I'm chosen.  And a little more than useless.

Currently listening to: Year 3000 by the Jonas Brothers on Pandora.  THIS IS MY JAMSSSS!!!!

quotes.

*note: another honors english II assignment.. see, we have these weekly 'journal entries' and i'm beginning to enjoy them. ssh ;)

I love Bible verses.  They're God's words to us; pieces of the most genuine love letter ever written.  It would be crazy-difficult to pick just one.

So instead I'm going with a lyric that I've always found ingenious.  Kudos to Matthew Thiessen of Relient K.

"I know to live you must give your life away."

^ It never ceases to make me think and yet, at the same time, it spills -- spells -- out everything.

My life is mine, yes.  But really, no it isn't.  I'm the one living it, but then again, am I really living?

See, to live -- really live -- you have to know God.  I can't imagine not knowing Him.  Life is so hard with Him, life without Him must be torturous.  See, when you give God your life, you're actually getting your life.  The life that you were meant to live rather than the one you were given.  Rather than trying to navigate through the rejection, anger, hurt, and frustration, you can let God take the wheel.  Sure, life's still going to be tough, but let's face it, that's life.  But instead of being brought down by the heavy loads life packs on you, you can run free and enjoy the little things like your favorite song on the radio or cake batter ice cream from Coldstone.  When you give you life to God, you're exchanging it for hope.  Peace. Happiness.

I'm glad I made the trade♥

49 questions, anyone? :)

*note: completed on friday, not posted til monday.
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1. High heels or boots?  Boots.  I trip enough without three inches shoved under my feet :P
2. What time did you get up this morning?  4:47. To study for an Honors Algebra II test.  Blahhhkk.
3. What was the last movie you saw at the theater? Monte Carlo..dang, that was ages ago!!
4. What is your maiden name? Um, I'm single? *bites lip*
5. What is your favorite T.V. Show?  It changes a lot, but right now, it's Highway to Heaven.
6. What do you usually have for breakfast?  Rice Crispies or Honey Nut Cheerios.
7. What is your middle name?  Sorry, that's personal ;)
8. What food do you dislike?  Anything fishy.  The smell makes me hurl (literally...)
9. What is your favorite CD at the moment?  I have 3 :) Five Score and Seven Years Ago by Relient K and Leaving Eden by Brandon Heath and 116 Clique Compilation.
10. What characteristic do you despise?  Two-facedness.
11. Favorite clothing? Sweatpants that are ten sizes too big...which I'm wearing right now :)
12. Anywhere in the world on vacation?  Japan..we've been over this! ;)
13. Are you an organized person?  The clothes on my bedroom floor say it all.
14. Where would you retire to?  Somewhere out in the country where everything's peaceful and I can feel God all around me.
15. What was your most recent memorable birthday?  Last year when I went to see Stellar Kart :D
16. What are you going to do when you finish this? Post it..? Haha!
17. Furthest place you have ever been to? Gulf Shores, AL.
18. Person you wish you could meet? Jesus of course!!!!
19. When is your birthday?  October 30th.  Little over a month away :)
20. Are you a morning person or a night person?  Kinda both.  I like to stay up late but I can be alright in the morning.
21. What is your shoe size? 7-7 1/2, depending.
22. Do you own any animals? Not as of now, but we're in the process of putting up a fence so we can get a dog :)
23. Any news you'd like to share? I'm going to see Lecrae in concert pretty soon!!!! PUMPED!!!!! :D
24. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?  A vet.  I loved puppies..still do, actually :)
25. What is your favorite flower?  Lilies.  They smell the best :)
26. What day on the calendar are you looking forward to? October 1st...fall break!
27. If you were a crayon, what would you be? Electric green -- bright and noticeable.
28. How is the weather right now?  Rainy.  And I'm loving it.
29. Last person you spoke to on the phone? That would be my mom, tehe.
30. Favorite drink?  Lemonade or Sprite.  And hot green tea on occasion..
31. Favorite Restaurant?  Does Coldstone count as a restaurant..? :)
32. Hair color? Brown with lots of blonde highlights (real ones, just for the record ;) )
33. What was your favorite toy as a child? My stuffed golden lab Princess.  I took her everyyyywhere.
34. Spring, summer, fall, or winter? Fall, summer, spring, then winter. Can't choose just one!
35. Chocolate or vanilla?  Depending on what it is.  Vanilla milkshake, chocolate brownie...etc, etc.
36. Coffee or tea? Tea.  Hands down.
37. Wish you were still young?  Sometimes, but I know God has a plan for me here and now, too.
38. Do you want to get married? Yes..*blushes*
39. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday. I'm a crier :')
40. What is under you bed? No monsters ;) Just a Nike box full of letters and my diary and last year's yearbook.
41. What did you do last night? Homework. Thrilling, I know :P
42. What are you afraid of? Being rejected.
43. Salty or sweet? Sweet most definitely.
44. Best quality you have? My smile... and my inclusiveness. I hate to see people being left out.
45. How many years at your current job? Don't have one yet... but I babysit every now and again.
46. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday.  I love Wednesdays.
47. Favorite movie? Finding Nemo, Tangled, The Perfect Man.
48. Have you ever had a crush on anyone? *sheepish grin* yes, and he just said hello to me this morning in the hallway :)
49. Do you like finding all this stuff out about your friends? Offff course! Which is why all of you should do this tag.  So I can see the details of you.

Currently listening to:

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath on Pandora :)

You're the song when my heart is singin'...

"... it's Your love.  You're the eyes to the blind man, You're the feet to the lame man walkin'.  It's the sound of the people singin' it's Your love!" -Brandon Heath

Isn't being close to God the most magical feeling ever?  I've been so excited just for life lately.  It's like something clicked.  Mainly because of these verses (kudos to Bro. Jason, my pastor).

And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust him. May your roots grow down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love; and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God's children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it...  [Ephesians 3:17-19]

That's crazy love.  Crazy.  GOD, Who is perfection in every way, loves ME, the klutzy, silly, lyric-quoting girl that I am.  He loves that I love Relient K and rainstorms.  I screw up on a daily basis, and yet, He loves me just as much as He did the day before.

The same goes for you.  Whether you play guitar or catch softballs.  Listen to Beethoven or Lecrae. Blonde hair, brown hair, red hair, black hair, blue hair.  Converse and blue jeans or a pleated skirt with an Oxford. And everything in-between.  He looks at you as a whole, good and bad alike, and thinks, "Wow. Bleah's vintage looks are so unique.  I love that about her."  and "Katie's Beatles-obsession is just great. Gotta love my Katie."  Even "Kathryn's laughing again.  Isn't she beautiful?"  Kind of leaves me in awe.

Recently, His love has looked like this to me:

- giving a speech and not freaking out for once in my life
- finding a letter in the mailbox from my best friend Kathryn
- realizing my 16th birthday is only one month away (give or take a few days)
- dunking Oreos in milk and watching Route 66 every afternoon
- 'the best thing' coming on my Pandora and jamming out to it in English class
- having a heart-to-heart with Callie, a close friend in my youth group
- my crush waving at me with the goofiest, most fantastical grin on his face

God's giving me a little insight about the little things -- and I'm running with it.  Seriously, the little things are everything.  They're Him giving us a glimpse of hope right when we need it.  And I'm loving it.

What does His love look like to you lately?

It's 11 o'clock. I foolishly let Scott Coutts (The coolest kid alive from California) See my computer. I ended up with this!

we were never abandoned.

As everyone knows, Sunday was the 10th anniversary of 9/11.  Not that I'd call it an anniversary.  Those are usually something to celebrate.  This isn't worth celebrating...not even close.

Ground Zero sounds kind of intriguing if you don't know what it is.  What happened there.  And if you do know, it's still a mystery if you're not a native New Yorker.  Sure, you've seen the CNN footage of the planes crashing, the towers collapsing, the aftermath.  All at Ground Zero.  But we'll never really understand.  Not really.  Because we weren't there.  We didn't feel the tower quake or see the flames angrily rushing towards us.  We didn't surrender our lives hoping to save another's.  Most of us were only in kindergarten or first grade, which left us oblivious to the tragedy that was unfolding before our nation's eyes.

If you lost a parent, relative, friend in 9/11, my heart goes out to you.  And I'm saying that because, honestly, I can't find the words to say.  I won't pretend to know what you must've felt or what you're still going through, because I don't.  I won't say, "I'm sorry", because sorry could never cover it.  But I will say this.

We were pressed hard on every side.

But we were not crushed.

We were struck down.

But we were not destroyed.

We were perplexed.

But we didn't despair.

We were persecuted.

But WE WERE NOT ABANDONED.

[from 2 Corinthians 4:8-9]

God was there.  His heart was breaking at the sight.  But He brought something beautiful out of it.  A nation pulled together.  Strangers became shoulders to cry on.  Enemies became friends.  Innocent people lost their lives to stop that fourth plane from demolishing our nation's capital.  Fearless firefighters, policeman, and bystanders forgot about themselves, and because of that, they will forever be remembered. If that's not God, I don't know what is.

I've shouted up to God, furious the He allows disasters like 9/11 to happen.  I've done it over and over and over.  I probably will again.  But He has a purpose for everything.  And that purpose is Jesus.

If nothing bad happened, everyone would be happy.  We wouldn't be searching for something beyond the ordinary, because the ordinary would satisfy us.  We wouldn't need a glimpse of hope, because everything around us would be hopeful.  We wouldn't need grace, because it would be a common act people performed day to day.  But it's not like that.  We need something beyond this world.  We need hope that tomorrow is going to be better.  We need grace because no one will grant it.  If disasters ceased to exist, we wouldn't need Him.  But the fact is, we do.  We desperately need a Savior.  Someone who will take our hand and walk beside us.  Someone who will give grace when we don't deserve it.  Someone who will never, ever leave.  And that someone is Jesus.

truth is...

[august 18, 2011]  and yes, i started my list with #0.

0. high school is only fun for popular people: fiction.

1. fact: high school is fun for the people who make it fun.

2. i am so sleepy right now i could collapse on my desk and no one would be able to wake me for at least 8 hours.

3. i'm obsessing over the song 'someone worth dying for' by mikeschair.  i seriously want to bawl every time i hear it.

4. i've been hung up on the same guy for almost a year. pathetic? eh. going somewhere? possible..

5. i'm dying to put my hair in a ponytail right now but i know it'll look sloppy so i'm refraining.

6. i have a volleyball game tonight, and for some reason, i'm not worried at all.

7. i really want a frostie from wendy's. like, asap.

8. i need to be working on my chemistry worksheet and reviewing books for english, but i'm typing this [near] pointless post.

9. I NEED FOOOOOD!!!!

10. this post is coming to a close, due to the fact...

11. i have nothing else to say.

12. oh, wait.

13. you guys rock for reading this post of whatnot.

14. okay. now this post is closed.

;)

to all the dreamers.

*note: this was an actual honors english II assignment.. and i actually enjoyed it.  HA!

Some people would call me a dreamer.  I still believe in love at first sight, that laughing on a park bench doesn't only occur in Taylor Swift songs, and "happily-ever-after" isn't just at the end of fairy tales.  Hence why I'm labeled, "dreamer".

But I'm not a typical dreamer that has every detail put in its perfect place.  My dreams are only bits and pieces, random inklings scattered across my life.  Some of my dreams are written in notebooks, others on my bedroom wall, and even more are hidden in my heart.  Like I said, I don't have the specifics planned out, which isn't helping, seeing as this assignment is supposed to be predominantly descriptions...

Anyway, fast forward five years from now.

I'll most likely be sleep-deprived and extremely grumpy, seeing as I just pulled an all-nighter to ensure and A on my midterm.  My hair will be swooped into a concoction of hair, ponytail holders, and bobby pins and I'll be sporting sweats and my favorite pair of converse.  Though I've brushed my teeth ten times over, Colgate refuses to cover the smell of my coffee breath.  I sigh and hurl my messenger bag over my shoulder, pushing my appearance aside.  All that matters right now is this test.

Not a very pretty picture, I know.  But I'm determined to make something of myself, even if I'm not sure what that something is yet.

Travel five more years down the road...

I'll be happily married to a guy with dazzling eyes that loves God with all his heart.  We'll live in a white two story with navy blue shudders that we built ourselves.  He'll play catch with our son in the front yard even thought the glove will barely stay on his tiny hand.  Our little girls will sing "Jesus loves me" on the way home from church, and he'll smile and squeeze my hand, content with the life we've made for ourselves.  When we both can't sleep, we'll make hot chocolate and read the Psalms aloud.  Our love will grow stronger as our love for Christ grows stronger.

Call me overly optimistic.  Tell me I need a reality check.  But I believe God has an amazing story written just for me -- the girl named Anna -- the dreamer.

"I'm still a dreamer, a believer.  Yeah, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You.."  -Sanctus Real