dearest bloggers,

Hm.  Not sure how to say this.  It's kind of weird even typing it.  But I'll no longer be posting here on Sisters in the Savior.  I'm not deleting it -- I could never do that.  It'll still be here if you wanna visit.  Ya know, for old times sake or... something.

This blog is so dear to me.  I can't begin to describe how much it means to me.  It's allowed me to be myself when I didn't know who I was.  God knew I needed an outlet, and this... this was it.  God brought me close friends -- true friends -- that I'd asked Him to send me for so many years.  I'm so grateful for everything He's given me through this blog.  Everything He's taught me.  It will always be a piece of me, but me... isn't me anymore.

I have been revived.  I'm not trying to sound spiritual or holier-than-thou.  But God has awakened me from my sleep.  He's shown me my need for grace and that doing this by myself just isn't going to cut it.  He convicted me and told me I know nothing of holy... but I want to.  I want to crave His word like I crave pepperoni pizza from Little Caesar's.  I want pray like I breathe -- incessantly.  I want to hang out with Jesus like He's sitting right next to me.. 'cause He is.

So.  Starting on this new journey, I'm starting a new blog.  It's called "fanatical," inspired by the Lecrae song.

"I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, fanatic!  I'll rep Christ till I D-I-E, fanatic!  I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith to serve a God that's extremely great!  I'm a fanatic!"

Because life's too short to be anything but a fanatic.  A fanatic for Christ.

Any fanatics out there?

Love,
Anna

[forallthefanatics.blogspot.com]

tenth avenue north + andy mineo + lecrae.

"Jesus was a nice guy, but wasn't no friend to me.  My lips said I loved Him, my actions despised His reign.  I had my own agenda, I was my own king..." -Andy Mineo, "Formerly Known"

So.  Another reason my blog's name/address is changing.  I'm taking a step in my walk, and I wanted my blog to take a step with me.

It's kind of hard to tell ya'll this, but I think you've all been there in some point in time.  When you talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk.  Where everything you said was Jesus, but nothing you did was. Where your schedule was empty and there was still no room on the calendar for spending time with God.  That's where I was.  And it's not 'was' as in a year ago.  Five months ago.  Try four days ago.

I don't know what clicked, but when I listened to Tenth Avenue North's CD, Over and Underneath, something did.  The lyrics were just so worship-filled.  Every song was telling me how great God is, just in different words.  "Love Is Here" told me God isn't later.  He is right now -- in this moment.  Which lead to the thought, "Why am I waiting?  Why do I keep pushing Him to the side?"  Which eventually led to this post.

The answers to my questions weren't exactly reassuring.

Why am I waiting?
Apathy, complacency, laziness...

Why do I keep pushing Him to the side?
Because I think I have better things to do.

What can be better than God?  I don't know about you guys, but when I've experienced His presence, it's like a high that lasts for a week or two.  Events like church camp.  Winter retreat.  Concerts.  But that "high" wears off.  And I'm right back to where I started.  I make time for anything and everything, rather than My Everything being my schedule.  It's pathetic, really.  But I think a lot of us get caught in these ruts, where Jesus was a a nice guy, but wasn't no friend to me.  Where we determine our own fate and end up even more miserable than we were before.

"I had a dream that I was captain of my soul, I was master of fate.  I lost control and then I sank.  So I don't wanna take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes..." -Lecrae, "Background"

I was blending in, not standing out.  I had become part of the crowd all over again, worrying what people thought of me, just wanting to be accepted.  I'd become complacent and apathetic, just like everyone else. Complaining about homework, rolling my eyes at people's faults instead confessing my own.  That's not how it's supposed to be.  We were made to be light in a dark world.

"I was made to light it up, city on a hill top.  And I know the Only Way so hit me when you feel lost.  So put your shades on, you know lower your frames.  'Cause when His glory shines, you gon' lower your frame..." -Lecrae in "Let There Be Light" by Andy Mineo

can you help me out with my chemistry?

Both kinds.  One being the actual subject and the other being the guy-girl thing. *heavy sigh* I'm utterly confused.

See, the only reason I decided to take chemistry this year is because all of my junior friends raved about Mrs. Elrod and how easy she made it seem.  Well, um... SHE MOVED.  And now I have a chemical engineer that doesn't have a teaching degree.  He's really nice and he tries extremely hard, but he's just.. not a teacher.  When he tries to answer a question I have, I am pushed even further into this endless hole of confusion.  Numbers and elements swirl around in my head, never finding the correct place on the paper. We're discussing different kinds of reactions right now.  Here's what's called a synthesis reaction, or a reaction where two elements combine to form a new compound.

anna + chemistry ----->  F

The only reason I'm passing that class with an A (yes, I'm a nerd -- sorry to disappoint) right now is because all the homework grades are participation.  I don't know what I'm going to do when the next test rolls around.  The last test didn't turn out so pretty.  I made a 75... with a curve and two bonus points. *head/desk x 10*

Then there's the guy-girl thing...

So.

There's this guy (obviously..).  He loves God and Lecrae and drives this old-but-not-too-old-just-perfect pickup truck.  I'm good friends with his sister and his little brother and I have a continual joke-argument about this football play.  He waves at me, says hi, and always seems to be around when I am.  He's sat by me when their were plenty of open seats and when he looks at me, his eyes are always smiling like "I know something you don't know."  But it hasn't gone further than that.  Mainly because we're both shy.. or because he doesn't like me?  I mean, when a guy likes a girl, doesn't he do something about it?  Well, I guess he sort of has.  And I didn't give him a clear answer.  Or any answer.

He asks nicely, "Anyone sitting here?"

"No," I say, barely forcing the word out of my mouth.

We sit there in silence.  He's probably thinking "She's not into me" and I'm just happy to be in his presence.

Another instance.  Me and few friends from youth group are sitting around the table talking.  I talk to Abbey and Courtney and Elliot, but I can't bring myself to talk to him.  Because talking to him requires eye contact and eye contact means that feeling you get after you drop down the first hill on a roller coaster. And that feeling goes straight to my brain and jumbles up all the letters, words, and sentences in my head. So just don't look at him -- problem solved, right?  Wrong.  'Cause then he thinks I don't like him.. and I really, really do.

I love his voice and that it reminds me of warm, maple syrup.

I love his wittiness.

I love how he wears the same pair of khaki shorts nearly every Sunday.

I love that his favorite Poptarts are the cinnamon ones, just like me.

I love the way he says my name.

I love how when we're together, I feel like we could do anything.

I love that he loves Jesus.

But he doesn't know that.

Because I'm failing chemistry -- both kinds.