sweet sixteen and never swapped spit.

Blunt, I know.  Demeaning to the wonderful, romantical thought of kissing.  But it's true.  As of yesterday, I'm officially sixteen and never been kissed.  Funny.  Some people -- most people -- would find that humiliating, but I'm rather proud of it.  It's more than a lot of girls can say.  It might have something to do with I've never dated anyone either.. but still.

I'm not trying to bash on people that have had their first kiss already or before they turned sixteen. Nononono. It's a personal thing, a deal I have with God.  Well, not really a deal.  A promise, I guess.  It's something like this:

God, I know You already have my love story written and sitting on Your shelf of fairy tales.  And since I know You made it magical, I'm not going to kiss a guy until I've dated him at least two years and truly believe he might be the guy You have set apart for me.  No making out, no groping, no doing IT.  Just hand-holding and hugs and a possible goodnight kiss, after that two year mark, that is.  And I won't give him my whole heart, because it belongs to You and You alone.  Thanks for loving me enough to put every perfect detail in my book and for having a [hopefully] blue-eyed, gentlemanly, blue-jeans-Tshirt-and-TOMS guy out there for me.  I know He'll be everything I ever wanted, 'cause he'll be what You wanted for me. And You know me better than I know me.

But, as I stated before, that's my commitment.  I don't expect yours to comply with mine.  But I do hope you have your own set of standards.  Namely, because of this this verse.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. [proverbs 4:23]

Think about it.  If you give your secrets, your kisses -- your heart -- to a guy and he breaks it, "everything you do" is going to be broken, too.  But if you give your heart to God and let Him decide who to give it to, your heart will be in perfect condition, and everything you do will show it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that once you give part of yourself away, you can't get it back.  And the more you give, the less you have to give to your guy.  I believe waiting makes something more valuable. Take my TOMS for example.  I've wanted them for almost two years and now they're finally on their way to my front porch.  Do you think I'll run through mud in them?  Step in something gross?  No.  I'll be especially careful to make sure they stay nice as long as humanly possible.  Why?  Because I'll value them. And why will I value them?  Because I had to wait for them.  It's the same way with love.  The longer a guy has to wait for you, the more he'll value you.  Somebody smart once said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."  

I think I'll go find a tower to hide away in and wait till my true love comes to give me the smoulder.

;)

"i just wanna be like You"

"He will use the concert/trip to teach you something important, so be prepared to learn."

This was advice from my dear friend Kathryn, letter-form (the most sincere form of communication, jussayin').  Little did I know, she was right.  But not about the topic she's thinking of.  No, my lesson was on focus.

See, I went on this trip with a few wishes, daydreams -- whatever you want to call them -- tucked in my pocket.  My crush was on this trip, and I was hoping to catch his eye.  I'm not the flashy kind of girl, and I'm not overly flirty.  I'm content watching from a distance, pondering all these things in my heart.

But just because I don't show my 'like' for someone doesn't mean I don't think about them.  Doesn't mean I don't enjoy a smile meant just for me, or a "Hey Anna!".  Doesn't mean that person wasn't my focus. Because he was.  Until now.

For those of you who are big time Lecrae fans (memememe! :)), you know how awesome a role model he is for us teenagers that are learning to pursue Christ.  Well, he's not just an awesome role model -- he's an awesome preacher.  I know God gave him the words because it was like they were gripping my heart; they weren't flat like usual.  He talked about how the world's like a sandbox and how you can drink sand all day long, but it's just going to make you more thirsty.  And how if you're not drinking in Jesus, you're still going to be thirsty.  He said Jesus can't be a part of your life.  He has to be your life.  And in that moment, I knew I needed to make Jesus my life, not just a piece of the puzzle.  Because He's the glue that holds the pieces together.  Not a boy.  Not my social ranking.  Not the amount of money in my pocket.  JESUS.

And yet, I can't seem to find ten minutes in my day to spend with Him.  He's lucky to get a prayer at the end of the day, memorized and droning.  I think more about a guy than I do The Guy.  More about questions on my homework than The Answer.  More about this world than it's Creator.   It's pathetic and "I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake."

I want Him to be my focus, but how can He be when I won't put forth the effort?  I seriously need to reevaluate myself and see where God is.  'Cause right now, I'm like me.  And me is tired of apathy.  Tired of being ineffective.  I don't want to be like me.

"I just wanna be like You -- walk like, talk like, even think like You.  The only one I could look to.  You're teachin' me to be just like You.  I just gotta be like, like I just gotta be like You..." -Lecrae

determinate, d-d-determinate!

I have a confession to make.

Hi, my name is Anna.  I'm four days away from being sixteen and I love the band Lemonade Mouth.

*laughs* Like ya'll are gonna judge me for that.  I should know better by now.  Silly me. *shakes head*

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Now that that's out of the way, let's continue to the real reason for this post.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, that 'confession' above has a lot to do with this post.  I really worry about what people think of me.  I mean, yes, you should care to a certain extent.  As in they know you're a Christian and you're different because Jesus' is in you.  But I care way beyond that.  I care about what they think about my hair, my complexion, my clothes, my grades..everything?  And I shouldn't.  You can't live your life trying to please everyone.  'Cause it's just not gonna happen.

Consequently, I've always kind of.. hid, I guess.  I've always shied away from the spotlight or anything moderately close to it.  Take my singing for example.  Yes, I sing special music at church.  I've been in choirs.  I've had solos in school programs.  I sing when I'm jamming with my friends.  But the fear of people saying I'm awful or not liking my voice has kept me from using my talent to it's fullest.  I'm not trying to brag on myself here (please, please, please don't take it that way!), but I can sing well.  Very well.  And the only ones that get to hear it are my shower head and my parents.  The rest of the world sees a girl that can keep a tune and sings alright, not recording material.

That would be fine, I guess..that is, if I didn't wanna be a singer.  *takes deep breath*  Did I just type that?  I did.  Oh, gosh.

See, I haven't admitted this to many people (feel loved!) -- I know most everyone would shoot it down, telling me it's a one-in-a-million chance blah blah blah blah blah.  So I've kept it deep inside my heart, pondering the thought for at least three years or so.  Til today.

It's not like I want to be a teen sensation like Justin Bieber or a good-girl-gone-bad like Miley.  I don't want to be on the cover of People or anything or sell a million records.  I'd just like to write songs about what I've gone through and share them with the world.  About what God's done for me.  About a kid with beautiful eyes.  About embracing today.  About wanting to change the world so bad you write a post about it.

I want them to know I'm not just the freaky Jesus girl in the corner.  I have a life that's real and important and a purpose for living like I do.  That God isn't a big, unconcerned guy that sits up in the clouds doing nothing.  That I'm waiting on a guy that might never feel the same way.  That I want to be seen.  That I want to change the world.  

That I want to determinate.

"Gotta turn the world into your dance floor, determinate, d-d-terminate.  Push it til you can't and then demand more, d-d-terminate.  You and me together, we can make it better.  Gotta turn the world into your dance floor, determinate, d-d-terminate!" -Lemonade Mouth

me & love songs.

This is kind of pathetic, but I've been writing a love song.  I feel really Taylor Swift-ish and cheesy, but I dunno.  I was just laying in bed one night and it was like God just handed me lyrics.  And yes, it's about a real guy that I know that I like. So now you know. *takes deep breath* Here it goes.

The Kid With the Beautiful Eyes
By me, Anna.

I'm walking down the hall
When I look up to see
Those beautiful eyes
Smiling right at me
I force myself to grin
But I really wanna cry
'Cause I know the kid with the beautiful eyes will never be mine

He's confident, he's a gentleman
He's everything I've ever wanted
He's genuine, he's passionate
He makes me feel like I belong and
Everything'll be alright
He's the kid with the beautiful eyes

I wonder if he knows
All I really wanna say
Is "hi, hello, what's up?", ya know?
Or just a simple "hey"
His laugh is like a song
That gets stuck in my head
And I remember every conversation we've ever had

He's confident, he's a gentleman
He's everything I've ever wanted
He's genuine, he's passionate
He makes me feel like I belong and

He's good with kids, he doesn't quit
He keeps his chin up through it all and
He's unashamed, he knows my name
But he doesn't know how hard I'm fallin'
He just smiles and walks on by
He's the kid with the beautiful eyes

I've got a shoe box full of letters
And one of them's to you
Maybe one day you will read it
And then you'll see it, too

She's confident, she's innocent
She's everything you ever wanted
She's gentle and she's beautiful
She makes you feel like you belong and
She's been here all this time
She's the girl right in front of your eyes

I'm the girl right in front of your eyes

lists + lyrics.

Let's begin, shall we? :)

1. School No organization skills whatsoever.
The obvious, I suppose.  But lately, it's been ten times worse.  I blame it on my disorganization.  My mom claims my room looks like a pig-sty, and well, if that's the case then my biology and chemistry study guides are somewhere in the mist of the pig-pen -- namely, my four walls.  That narrows it down right? *sarcasm evident in voice*  So.  Tonight is going to be a Mission: Organization kind of night.  Bedroom, closet, backpack, binders -- my life -- will soon look like the front cover of a home and gardens magazine. Let's hope it stays that way. *pauses a moment*  *laughs*

2. Prayer.  After prayer after prayer.
I've had the God-are-you-listening, my-prayers-are-bouncing-off-the-ceiling-and-smacking-me-in-the-face feeling for the past few days.  It seems no matter how hard I try to get off of myself and onto God, I never do.  Rather, the opposite.  "Face down, this carpet tastes like coffee grounds, ground into my face now.  And every angle is covered with just another Band-Aid."  Matthew Thiessen, thank you for understanding.

My mom brought up the point that I need to give it to God instead of trying to do it by my own power.  I have a hard time with not being in control of my future.  I know His plans for me surpass anything I could ever dream of, but my faith is shaky, so my future is blurry.  Why can't I just lay the future in His hands? It's already there anyway.  I'm just fighting it.  But why?  There's nothing to fight.

3. Heart-jumbled.
My heart is all confused right now, thanks to a guy.  A guy!  I feel ridiculous.  I've always been the kind of girl that has been proud to stand on my own two feet.  Like that lyric in La La Land by Demi Lovato that says, "Who says I can't be single and have to go out and mingle?"  Or at least I thought I was.  I've been stuck on this guy for almost an entire year.  My heart's holding onto him excitedly waving, him sitting by me, him grinning wide whenever I walk in the room.  But I the rest of me says, "Seriously, Anna?  Don't spend your whole life waiting for a guy that might not want to be waited on."

In conclusion, this post can be summed up in these lyrics:
"Oh where is my hairbrush, oh where is my hairbrush?!"  Veggie Tales = essence of my childhood.

"So I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape.  And I'll trust You, God, with where I am and believe that You will have Your way..." -Britt Nicole

"And when you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door.  Oh, but if it don't stay beautiful.." -Taylor Swift

lists + lyrics = my life as of late.

how 'bout you?

dear soccer,

I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you!  And for no reason at all, really.  Besides the fact that you're extremely exciting to watch and some of the guy players are quite attractive. *blushes*  But really, you're just so intense!

I was on the edge of my seat the entire game last night.  Between the head-butts, kicks halfway across the field, and goals that were so close I could taste them, I was completely mesmerized.  It was like I had found my true love, except, well...oh, never mind.  The experience was enthralling, and it was as though I had ended a novel with a cliff hanger -- I wanted more!

Yes, yesterday was the first soccer game I've ever attended.  And yes, I attended because my cousin was playing and I needed ten bonus points in chemistry. *shuffles feet* But you definitely made it worthwhile! With a score of 1 to 1, 10 minutes of overtime, and then PKs, my nerves were kicking in. During the last shot, you had everyone on their feet.  I can still picture it: the ball flying through the cold, autumn air, whirling past the goalie's opened hands, and making a comforting swish as it landed in the net.  For only a moment, there was complete silence, then the crowd roared with applause and fans flooded the field.  The soccer guys attacked each other with hugs and noogies*, full of pride for their team and the heart each player had given.  It gave me that warm-fuzzy feeling* from the ends of my hair to tips of my toes.  And it was only 30 degrees outside.

What a great sport you are.  One game and you've won (no pun intended! ;)) me over.  I can't wait until we meet again.

Sincerely,
Anna

*an action in which a guy puts another guy in a headlock, then lovingly scrubs his victim's head with his fist as though washing a dog

*the sensation that occurs when you see a puppy sleeping or a baby smile :)

worth it.

"You're worth it, you can't earn it.  The cross has proven that you're sacred and blameless.  Your life has purpose..." -Mikeschair

Not gonna lie.  I've read other peoples' blogs and felt completely worthless.  Is that weird?  Maybe.  But for a while -- until this post -- Blogger became a place that I always felt inferior, awkward, and unbeautiful (new word.  I make those up a lot.)  Which is funny.  Because I started this blog to share my mishaps, my opinions on books, movies, people, God and everything He has planned for us -- my life -- with others. With you.  Not look at others' lives and compare them to my own.

My life isn't all about vintage clothing, recipes, and traveling across the sea to England or Africa.  My life is about learning to love God, striving to love people.  About leaving my PSAT check in my basketball shorts in my bedroom floor.  About getting aggravated at how fake so people can be.  About getting a high-five from Lecrae.  About my crush holding the door for me.  About the life Jesus has given me and taking it one step at a time, converse on my feet, lyrics floating through my mind.  That's my life.

I don't care for things other Bloggers like.  Take photography for example.  I don't enjoy to taking pictures of crisp, red apples or the vibrant grass in my backyard or my outfits or of anything really.  Maybe at concerts or one sunset I think is inspirational.  But not of every little detail.  My blog is more words and music, verses that stick out to me, random tags I've selected.  That's just what I like to blog about.

And a lot of people say, "Well, I don't want my blog to be a dumping ground, so I share the happy stuff." That's completely understandable.  But it creates the illusion of perfection for all who read their blog, which brings us back to where I started.  I felt worthless because my life didn't sound like novel chapters, intriguing and beautifully written.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I honestly blog for me as much as I do for ya'll.  And seeing all these posts about 'seemingly perfect lives', I don't want you to feel that way about me.  My life is not perfect.  My life is worth it.  Because of a man named Jesus who treasures my life over His own.  He gave His life so I could experience it.  That's why I blog.  Because I have a purpose and one day, He's gonna make it so worth it.

i'm a little more than useless.

written on thursday, september 29, 2011 -- one month and one day away from my 16th birthday
______________________________________________________________________________________
Just a little. *holds index finger and thumb less than a millimeter apart*  I'm running on the caffeine from the two mugs of green tea I consumed this morning and my brain swears it cannot intake anything more.  It has no desire to read, to learn, to fill in annoying scantrons, to listen to lectures for an hour and forty minutes.  How I'm writing this in words you can understand is a happy surprise, because my mind is not thinking them.  No, it's my fingers swiftly moving across the keyboard, the sincerity of a sleep-deprived sophomore.

I procrastinated my 401 page AR book until four days before I would be tested over it.  And miraculously, I pulled it off.  My mom -- my sweet, sweet mother -- stayed up with me until midnight, reading and listening to me stumble over page after page, making sure I didn't fall asleep.  She coaxed me into drinking green tea (I was so shaky I was sure I would spill it), which is the only reason I'm able to type this post of nonsense at this very moment, like I said in my first sentence *head/desk*

So I'm feeling quite useless today, pale and black circles underneath my eyes.  Huge navy jacket swallowing my 5'6 1/2" frame, grey Keds on my feet, Old Navy shirt and jeans sporadically matched.  I keep catching myself gazing off into the distance, then quickly snapping out of it once I notice someone looking at me, wondering what I'm doing in my own little world.  I have a volleyball game tonight, and I'm hoping my reflexes will work for me, but I know they'll at least be a little slow, due the fact I only got four hours of sleep last night.

friday, september 30, 2011 -- one month exactly until i'm officially 16
______________________________________________________________________________________
Oh, yesterday was nothing. The green tea has now worn off, and I am COMPLETELY useless.  I fell like I could collapse on my desk at any given moment -- legit.  I even told the guy I sit with on the bus to not take it personally if I fell out on him this morning.  Awkward? Yes. True? VERY.

On days like these, I need to know I'm a little more than useless, and this verse proves it:

You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you... 

[john 15:16]

God chose me.  Set me apart.  He has a purpose for my life, even on days like these, even if I can't see what it is.  I'm chosen.  And a little more than useless.

Currently listening to: Year 3000 by the Jonas Brothers on Pandora.  THIS IS MY JAMSSSS!!!!

truth is...

[august 18, 2011]  and yes, i started my list with #0.

0. high school is only fun for popular people: fiction.

1. fact: high school is fun for the people who make it fun.

2. i am so sleepy right now i could collapse on my desk and no one would be able to wake me for at least 8 hours.

3. i'm obsessing over the song 'someone worth dying for' by mikeschair.  i seriously want to bawl every time i hear it.

4. i've been hung up on the same guy for almost a year. pathetic? eh. going somewhere? possible..

5. i'm dying to put my hair in a ponytail right now but i know it'll look sloppy so i'm refraining.

6. i have a volleyball game tonight, and for some reason, i'm not worried at all.

7. i really want a frostie from wendy's. like, asap.

8. i need to be working on my chemistry worksheet and reviewing books for english, but i'm typing this [near] pointless post.

9. I NEED FOOOOOD!!!!

10. this post is coming to a close, due to the fact...

11. i have nothing else to say.

12. oh, wait.

13. you guys rock for reading this post of whatnot.

14. okay. now this post is closed.

;)

it's chapstick and chapped lips and things like..biology?

"Your illustrations always point out just what's wrong with me.  It's chapstick and chapped lips and things like chemistry..." - Relient K

Now you may find this lyric as complete and utter gibberish (another amazing RK song -- just sayin').  I, however, think it surpasses witty and right into the you-understand-teenagers-perfectly category.  Why?

1. I can never find any chapstick when I need it.  Instead, I find it when my lips are moisturized and it's of absolutely no use to me.

2. I have chapped lips all throughout winter.  The nasty kind that bleed when you accidently bite down too hard on them.  Yeah.  Ow.  Not looking forward to it.

And 3. In the song they're talking about chemistry, I know.  The kind of chemistry in relationships, not the class.  Yeahyeahyeah.  But right now, I'm hating biology.  So I just inserted it where chemistry is supposed to be.  I'm making an 87 in there right now, which isn't too thrilling when you're normally used to 96s and 97s.  And your teacher kind of creeping you out doesn't help much either.

But the funny thing is, all these annoyances don't seem to matter to me anymore.  Ever since I found Ephesians 6:15, God's been showing me all the little things.  As of late those include: beasting at my volleyball game last night, my crush sitting by me at church *blushes*, and a zucchini muffin from my best friend yesterday morning.  Sorry guys, I went off chasing butterflies for a moment.  Little things are worth the chasing, though :)

Back to the everyday annoyances.  They just roll off my back now.  It's like I could care less what people think of me anymore.  I mean, the worst they can do is call me a name.  Make fun of my faith.  Tell me I don't know how to have fun and that I'm a total geek.  The point is, we all have faults.  We could always point out something wrong with someone else.  And ourselves.  Maybe our mistakes are what make us beautiful.  Beautiful messes, cleaned up by The Janitor, name-tag reading, "Jesus". Now if we can only learn to look past the mess part and see the beautiful.

"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am."

dear picture day,

listening to: a penny loafer saved is a penny loafer earned by relient k
reasoning: penny loafers are pointless... just like picture days.  i think matty t. would agree.

the feeling is mutual.  i hate you too.  all you are is a beauty contest, but you mask the real beauty that a picture doesn't portray.  all you see from a picture is a fake smile and the top of a shirt.  can you say lame?  unfair?  completely opposite of what this person normally looks like?  and another thing, what if you decide to come around when a whole bunch of people are having a bad day? all you're gonna get is straight faces and annoyed glares. what if you ruin a girl's entire life all because her yearbook picture turned out exceptionally horrible?  or blind someone with your bright lights?  or cause a geeky person to stay home because they're so embarrassed of their pimples or glasses or something? don't you think of anyone but yourself?  do me a favor and replace yourself with an x-ray.  an x-ray that shows all the good qualities behind those awful pictures.  all the kindness, laughter, smarts, strength, persistence, hope, passion, and love.  the things that really matter -- the things the whole world deserves to know.  maybe then we'd realize that the name on your shirt, the zits on your face, and the number that's on the scale -- we'd realize all those things are worthless.  maybe we'd see that we're all beautiful to Him.  and that's all that really matters.

sincerely,
anna, the girl who wants x-ray vision

postacards, poems, and pondering (about guys).

I have returned my dear bloggers!  To talk about... stuff.  I like stuff.  Do you like stuff? ;)

Seriously, though, I've missed ya'll a lot and I apologize for just now getting around to posting, but my summer has been (surprisingly!) jam-packed.  I've hung out with my youth group (my oh-so-crazy-yet-wonderful youth group) a lot, had volleyball practices everyday since the end of June, and sleepovers with Shan of course.  Okay, I'm rambling.  I'll continue with my actual post.

First off, I have an announcement.  I got a postcard -- FROM PARIS, FRANCE!  I was so excited I did a happy dance for 5 minutes after I looked it down for the 18th time.  My friend and pen pal, Katie, sent it to me -- yeah, she actually went to Paris.  Amazing?  Yes.  Jealous?  Maybeokayyes.

As for the 'poems' part of the title, I wrote a poem last night, that comes from somewhere deep within me that only God can see all of.  It's called The Key to My Heart.

In my hand I hold a key
And with it lies my destiny.
Not for sale or up for grabs,
It's a gift, not yet unwrapped.
It will be given only when
I find a love that never ends.
The kind of love that feels my pain,
The kind of love that has no shame.
A love that's real and pure and true.
A love that means the words, "I do".
A love that lasts and flys so free,
A love that's meant for only me.
A love reflected in his eyes.
No just for me, but for Christ.
My love I know will never part;
He'll hold the key --
The key to my heart.

Now to the pondering.  Guys are the subject I will never ace.  The confusion will never end.  So why do we keep pining after these clueless knuckleheads?  Well for me it has to do with:
1. His eyes.
2. That grin.
3. His Lecrae obsession.
4. He loves God and means it.
5. He actually knows of my existence.
I want him to notice me, but I don't want to -- come onto him, ya know?  I'm too shy to start a conversation, but not loud enough for him to look my way.  'Spose I'll just sit here and wait.  I'm getting good at this whole waiting thing...maybe too good :P

"He sits there all alone.  He's reading from a chapter that he sometimes calls his own.  And now, he's takin' over me.  This guy I once rejected, has now become the guy of my dreams..."  --Hawk Nelson

here's the deal, lucille.

I'm honestly not sure how to get this post going, so I guess I'll just come out and say everything that I want to.

Throughout February and March I did the "Blog Challenge", finally completed it, and then sort of vanished for a week or so.  Where was I?  Under groundation.  Not that I want to admit it, but I was. What can I say?  I'm not perfect -- not even anywhere close.

Then I returned and dumped my whole belief system on you.  Haha, I would've loved to see the looks on your faces.  I bet they were "Wow, I totally agree" and "Wow, what a way to come back!"  I then did a movie review and shared my favorite albums to get my blog "smoothed over" to some extent, and now I'm writing this to tell you what I've wanted to say for the past month or so.

After I clean out the drafts in my dashboard, I'm going to be posting more about my life and God.  Now don't get me wrong -- a fun post here and there is definitely gonna happen.  I'm a lover of all things random and crazy, so you can count on it.  But instead of being worried about what other people think, I'm going to treat my blog almost like an open diary.  Sure, you're not gonna know everything about my personal life, but you're gonna see a little bit more of my heart.

I'm also going to be posting less.  Bleah and I have decided to try to lead more "mellow" lives, and I think cutting down my blogging time will help me do this.  That and drinking a lot more tea :)

I hope that's okay with ya'll.  I totally understand if you find me boring and my life a total fail, but I want to get my feelings down somehow.  And I think my blog is the perfect place to do that.

love always,
anna :)