can you help me out with my chemistry?

Both kinds.  One being the actual subject and the other being the guy-girl thing. *heavy sigh* I'm utterly confused.

See, the only reason I decided to take chemistry this year is because all of my junior friends raved about Mrs. Elrod and how easy she made it seem.  Well, um... SHE MOVED.  And now I have a chemical engineer that doesn't have a teaching degree.  He's really nice and he tries extremely hard, but he's just.. not a teacher.  When he tries to answer a question I have, I am pushed even further into this endless hole of confusion.  Numbers and elements swirl around in my head, never finding the correct place on the paper. We're discussing different kinds of reactions right now.  Here's what's called a synthesis reaction, or a reaction where two elements combine to form a new compound.

anna + chemistry ----->  F

The only reason I'm passing that class with an A (yes, I'm a nerd -- sorry to disappoint) right now is because all the homework grades are participation.  I don't know what I'm going to do when the next test rolls around.  The last test didn't turn out so pretty.  I made a 75... with a curve and two bonus points. *head/desk x 10*

Then there's the guy-girl thing...

So.

There's this guy (obviously..).  He loves God and Lecrae and drives this old-but-not-too-old-just-perfect pickup truck.  I'm good friends with his sister and his little brother and I have a continual joke-argument about this football play.  He waves at me, says hi, and always seems to be around when I am.  He's sat by me when their were plenty of open seats and when he looks at me, his eyes are always smiling like "I know something you don't know."  But it hasn't gone further than that.  Mainly because we're both shy.. or because he doesn't like me?  I mean, when a guy likes a girl, doesn't he do something about it?  Well, I guess he sort of has.  And I didn't give him a clear answer.  Or any answer.

He asks nicely, "Anyone sitting here?"

"No," I say, barely forcing the word out of my mouth.

We sit there in silence.  He's probably thinking "She's not into me" and I'm just happy to be in his presence.

Another instance.  Me and few friends from youth group are sitting around the table talking.  I talk to Abbey and Courtney and Elliot, but I can't bring myself to talk to him.  Because talking to him requires eye contact and eye contact means that feeling you get after you drop down the first hill on a roller coaster. And that feeling goes straight to my brain and jumbles up all the letters, words, and sentences in my head. So just don't look at him -- problem solved, right?  Wrong.  'Cause then he thinks I don't like him.. and I really, really do.

I love his voice and that it reminds me of warm, maple syrup.

I love his wittiness.

I love how he wears the same pair of khaki shorts nearly every Sunday.

I love that his favorite Poptarts are the cinnamon ones, just like me.

I love the way he says my name.

I love how when we're together, I feel like we could do anything.

I love that he loves Jesus.

But he doesn't know that.

Because I'm failing chemistry -- both kinds.

i'm a little more than useless.

written on thursday, september 29, 2011 -- one month and one day away from my 16th birthday
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Just a little. *holds index finger and thumb less than a millimeter apart*  I'm running on the caffeine from the two mugs of green tea I consumed this morning and my brain swears it cannot intake anything more.  It has no desire to read, to learn, to fill in annoying scantrons, to listen to lectures for an hour and forty minutes.  How I'm writing this in words you can understand is a happy surprise, because my mind is not thinking them.  No, it's my fingers swiftly moving across the keyboard, the sincerity of a sleep-deprived sophomore.

I procrastinated my 401 page AR book until four days before I would be tested over it.  And miraculously, I pulled it off.  My mom -- my sweet, sweet mother -- stayed up with me until midnight, reading and listening to me stumble over page after page, making sure I didn't fall asleep.  She coaxed me into drinking green tea (I was so shaky I was sure I would spill it), which is the only reason I'm able to type this post of nonsense at this very moment, like I said in my first sentence *head/desk*

So I'm feeling quite useless today, pale and black circles underneath my eyes.  Huge navy jacket swallowing my 5'6 1/2" frame, grey Keds on my feet, Old Navy shirt and jeans sporadically matched.  I keep catching myself gazing off into the distance, then quickly snapping out of it once I notice someone looking at me, wondering what I'm doing in my own little world.  I have a volleyball game tonight, and I'm hoping my reflexes will work for me, but I know they'll at least be a little slow, due the fact I only got four hours of sleep last night.

friday, september 30, 2011 -- one month exactly until i'm officially 16
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Oh, yesterday was nothing. The green tea has now worn off, and I am COMPLETELY useless.  I fell like I could collapse on my desk at any given moment -- legit.  I even told the guy I sit with on the bus to not take it personally if I fell out on him this morning.  Awkward? Yes. True? VERY.

On days like these, I need to know I'm a little more than useless, and this verse proves it:

You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you... 

[john 15:16]

God chose me.  Set me apart.  He has a purpose for my life, even on days like these, even if I can't see what it is.  I'm chosen.  And a little more than useless.

Currently listening to: Year 3000 by the Jonas Brothers on Pandora.  THIS IS MY JAMSSSS!!!!

truth is...

[august 18, 2011]  and yes, i started my list with #0.

0. high school is only fun for popular people: fiction.

1. fact: high school is fun for the people who make it fun.

2. i am so sleepy right now i could collapse on my desk and no one would be able to wake me for at least 8 hours.

3. i'm obsessing over the song 'someone worth dying for' by mikeschair.  i seriously want to bawl every time i hear it.

4. i've been hung up on the same guy for almost a year. pathetic? eh. going somewhere? possible..

5. i'm dying to put my hair in a ponytail right now but i know it'll look sloppy so i'm refraining.

6. i have a volleyball game tonight, and for some reason, i'm not worried at all.

7. i really want a frostie from wendy's. like, asap.

8. i need to be working on my chemistry worksheet and reviewing books for english, but i'm typing this [near] pointless post.

9. I NEED FOOOOOD!!!!

10. this post is coming to a close, due to the fact...

11. i have nothing else to say.

12. oh, wait.

13. you guys rock for reading this post of whatnot.

14. okay. now this post is closed.

;)

lost in a sea of faces.

I started school a few days ago meaning two things -- one) I now have my Mac and I'll be blogging more consistently and two) I am no longer on the bottom of the totem pole.  Holla sophomores! :)

So (obviously) school is the last place I want to be, but I'm glad to see my friends and peirs.  We haven't done much of anything except go over syllabuses and play name games, which was less than thrilling to say the least.  The poor freshmen are still pretty confused about everything -- especially locker combinations -- and the seniors all have bad cases of what we call 'senioritis'.  But, eh, that's high school for you.

I've been asking God to give me His eyes lately.  To look past the attitudes and egos and heavy eyeliner and Hollister shirts and see the actual person.  So far, I've failed epically, but I'm still trying, and I think that's what counts.

I didn't mention this to ya'll, but I don't have a single class with my best friend.  At first I wanted to scream up to God the question we all ask nearly every day in our hearts: WHY?!  Why would You do this?  I just made a true friend and now I'll hardly get to see her!  Why do You have to make being a teenager + a Christian harder than it already is?!  I just don't get it!  But as I reflected on my situation, my perspective slowly began to change.

See, I've always sort of been in someone's shadow.  I'm not a leader, not a follower, so I was never really 'seen'.  Sure people know me, who I am and what I stand for, but they don't see me.  I've always played the background, not the main role.  As much as I want to stand out, well, I never have.  And while I was pondering this, it hit me.

It's my time to shine.  God wants me to step out of the shadows.

So.  Here I am.  I'm no longer identified by who I hang out with or the role I play in this scene of my life.  I'm Anna and I'm His.

"I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world.  Lost in a sea of faces.  Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine.  Because You traded Your life for mine."  --Kutless

oh, the joys of high school!

Well, I'm back to school again. Joy, joy :P I'm sitting in Life Skills as we speak (or as I'm writing, but whatever). I like high school so far. Actually, I like it a lot. Everyone said that being a freshman would be HORRIBLE, but it's really not. The first three days have flown by, although I doubt the rest of the school year will :) My favorite class so far is Art 1, but it's too soon to tell, ya know? Anyways...I've gotta tell you about my amazing first day. So, my first to classes were normal--nothing special. But then I went back to my locker to get my lunch box (the school lunches aren't that great. Okay, they're terrible). I was one of the last few people in the hallway, so I sorta looked lost. At least that's what he thought. This super-cute senior asked me if I needed help finding anything. I was like "No, I'm good." "Okay," was all he said, and he went on his merry way. What he didn't know is that he had made a little freshman's first day of high school one of the best days ever. Total God-thing if you ask me. The whole time I was nervous and worried about messing up, God was thinking, "Don't worry, Anna. I've got your back." And He did. Oh, the joys of high school! (and God :D)

Blessings && smiles,

anna :)

for my life skills project :)

Sorry girls! This has nothing to do with anything, but I needed an easy link to this video for my LS (life skills) project, so I decided to post it on my blog. It's supposed to show all the different cliques--the band geeks, the jocks, the populars...ya know. But anyway, I'll be trying out "randomness friday" for the first time this week, so stay tuned!

LYLASITS,
anna :)