can you help me out with my chemistry?

Both kinds.  One being the actual subject and the other being the guy-girl thing. *heavy sigh* I'm utterly confused.

See, the only reason I decided to take chemistry this year is because all of my junior friends raved about Mrs. Elrod and how easy she made it seem.  Well, um... SHE MOVED.  And now I have a chemical engineer that doesn't have a teaching degree.  He's really nice and he tries extremely hard, but he's just.. not a teacher.  When he tries to answer a question I have, I am pushed even further into this endless hole of confusion.  Numbers and elements swirl around in my head, never finding the correct place on the paper. We're discussing different kinds of reactions right now.  Here's what's called a synthesis reaction, or a reaction where two elements combine to form a new compound.

anna + chemistry ----->  F

The only reason I'm passing that class with an A (yes, I'm a nerd -- sorry to disappoint) right now is because all the homework grades are participation.  I don't know what I'm going to do when the next test rolls around.  The last test didn't turn out so pretty.  I made a 75... with a curve and two bonus points. *head/desk x 10*

Then there's the guy-girl thing...

So.

There's this guy (obviously..).  He loves God and Lecrae and drives this old-but-not-too-old-just-perfect pickup truck.  I'm good friends with his sister and his little brother and I have a continual joke-argument about this football play.  He waves at me, says hi, and always seems to be around when I am.  He's sat by me when their were plenty of open seats and when he looks at me, his eyes are always smiling like "I know something you don't know."  But it hasn't gone further than that.  Mainly because we're both shy.. or because he doesn't like me?  I mean, when a guy likes a girl, doesn't he do something about it?  Well, I guess he sort of has.  And I didn't give him a clear answer.  Or any answer.

He asks nicely, "Anyone sitting here?"

"No," I say, barely forcing the word out of my mouth.

We sit there in silence.  He's probably thinking "She's not into me" and I'm just happy to be in his presence.

Another instance.  Me and few friends from youth group are sitting around the table talking.  I talk to Abbey and Courtney and Elliot, but I can't bring myself to talk to him.  Because talking to him requires eye contact and eye contact means that feeling you get after you drop down the first hill on a roller coaster. And that feeling goes straight to my brain and jumbles up all the letters, words, and sentences in my head. So just don't look at him -- problem solved, right?  Wrong.  'Cause then he thinks I don't like him.. and I really, really do.

I love his voice and that it reminds me of warm, maple syrup.

I love his wittiness.

I love how he wears the same pair of khaki shorts nearly every Sunday.

I love that his favorite Poptarts are the cinnamon ones, just like me.

I love the way he says my name.

I love how when we're together, I feel like we could do anything.

I love that he loves Jesus.

But he doesn't know that.

Because I'm failing chemistry -- both kinds.

lists + lyrics.

Let's begin, shall we? :)

1. School No organization skills whatsoever.
The obvious, I suppose.  But lately, it's been ten times worse.  I blame it on my disorganization.  My mom claims my room looks like a pig-sty, and well, if that's the case then my biology and chemistry study guides are somewhere in the mist of the pig-pen -- namely, my four walls.  That narrows it down right? *sarcasm evident in voice*  So.  Tonight is going to be a Mission: Organization kind of night.  Bedroom, closet, backpack, binders -- my life -- will soon look like the front cover of a home and gardens magazine. Let's hope it stays that way. *pauses a moment*  *laughs*

2. Prayer.  After prayer after prayer.
I've had the God-are-you-listening, my-prayers-are-bouncing-off-the-ceiling-and-smacking-me-in-the-face feeling for the past few days.  It seems no matter how hard I try to get off of myself and onto God, I never do.  Rather, the opposite.  "Face down, this carpet tastes like coffee grounds, ground into my face now.  And every angle is covered with just another Band-Aid."  Matthew Thiessen, thank you for understanding.

My mom brought up the point that I need to give it to God instead of trying to do it by my own power.  I have a hard time with not being in control of my future.  I know His plans for me surpass anything I could ever dream of, but my faith is shaky, so my future is blurry.  Why can't I just lay the future in His hands? It's already there anyway.  I'm just fighting it.  But why?  There's nothing to fight.

3. Heart-jumbled.
My heart is all confused right now, thanks to a guy.  A guy!  I feel ridiculous.  I've always been the kind of girl that has been proud to stand on my own two feet.  Like that lyric in La La Land by Demi Lovato that says, "Who says I can't be single and have to go out and mingle?"  Or at least I thought I was.  I've been stuck on this guy for almost an entire year.  My heart's holding onto him excitedly waving, him sitting by me, him grinning wide whenever I walk in the room.  But I the rest of me says, "Seriously, Anna?  Don't spend your whole life waiting for a guy that might not want to be waited on."

In conclusion, this post can be summed up in these lyrics:
"Oh where is my hairbrush, oh where is my hairbrush?!"  Veggie Tales = essence of my childhood.

"So I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape.  And I'll trust You, God, with where I am and believe that You will have Your way..." -Britt Nicole

"And when you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door.  Oh, but if it don't stay beautiful.." -Taylor Swift

lists + lyrics = my life as of late.

how 'bout you?

i'm a little more than useless.

written on thursday, september 29, 2011 -- one month and one day away from my 16th birthday
______________________________________________________________________________________
Just a little. *holds index finger and thumb less than a millimeter apart*  I'm running on the caffeine from the two mugs of green tea I consumed this morning and my brain swears it cannot intake anything more.  It has no desire to read, to learn, to fill in annoying scantrons, to listen to lectures for an hour and forty minutes.  How I'm writing this in words you can understand is a happy surprise, because my mind is not thinking them.  No, it's my fingers swiftly moving across the keyboard, the sincerity of a sleep-deprived sophomore.

I procrastinated my 401 page AR book until four days before I would be tested over it.  And miraculously, I pulled it off.  My mom -- my sweet, sweet mother -- stayed up with me until midnight, reading and listening to me stumble over page after page, making sure I didn't fall asleep.  She coaxed me into drinking green tea (I was so shaky I was sure I would spill it), which is the only reason I'm able to type this post of nonsense at this very moment, like I said in my first sentence *head/desk*

So I'm feeling quite useless today, pale and black circles underneath my eyes.  Huge navy jacket swallowing my 5'6 1/2" frame, grey Keds on my feet, Old Navy shirt and jeans sporadically matched.  I keep catching myself gazing off into the distance, then quickly snapping out of it once I notice someone looking at me, wondering what I'm doing in my own little world.  I have a volleyball game tonight, and I'm hoping my reflexes will work for me, but I know they'll at least be a little slow, due the fact I only got four hours of sleep last night.

friday, september 30, 2011 -- one month exactly until i'm officially 16
______________________________________________________________________________________
Oh, yesterday was nothing. The green tea has now worn off, and I am COMPLETELY useless.  I fell like I could collapse on my desk at any given moment -- legit.  I even told the guy I sit with on the bus to not take it personally if I fell out on him this morning.  Awkward? Yes. True? VERY.

On days like these, I need to know I'm a little more than useless, and this verse proves it:

You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you... 

[john 15:16]

God chose me.  Set me apart.  He has a purpose for my life, even on days like these, even if I can't see what it is.  I'm chosen.  And a little more than useless.

Currently listening to: Year 3000 by the Jonas Brothers on Pandora.  THIS IS MY JAMSSSS!!!!

quotes.

*note: another honors english II assignment.. see, we have these weekly 'journal entries' and i'm beginning to enjoy them. ssh ;)

I love Bible verses.  They're God's words to us; pieces of the most genuine love letter ever written.  It would be crazy-difficult to pick just one.

So instead I'm going with a lyric that I've always found ingenious.  Kudos to Matthew Thiessen of Relient K.

"I know to live you must give your life away."

^ It never ceases to make me think and yet, at the same time, it spills -- spells -- out everything.

My life is mine, yes.  But really, no it isn't.  I'm the one living it, but then again, am I really living?

See, to live -- really live -- you have to know God.  I can't imagine not knowing Him.  Life is so hard with Him, life without Him must be torturous.  See, when you give God your life, you're actually getting your life.  The life that you were meant to live rather than the one you were given.  Rather than trying to navigate through the rejection, anger, hurt, and frustration, you can let God take the wheel.  Sure, life's still going to be tough, but let's face it, that's life.  But instead of being brought down by the heavy loads life packs on you, you can run free and enjoy the little things like your favorite song on the radio or cake batter ice cream from Coldstone.  When you give you life to God, you're exchanging it for hope.  Peace. Happiness.

I'm glad I made the trade♥

it's chapstick and chapped lips and things like..biology?

"Your illustrations always point out just what's wrong with me.  It's chapstick and chapped lips and things like chemistry..." - Relient K

Now you may find this lyric as complete and utter gibberish (another amazing RK song -- just sayin').  I, however, think it surpasses witty and right into the you-understand-teenagers-perfectly category.  Why?

1. I can never find any chapstick when I need it.  Instead, I find it when my lips are moisturized and it's of absolutely no use to me.

2. I have chapped lips all throughout winter.  The nasty kind that bleed when you accidently bite down too hard on them.  Yeah.  Ow.  Not looking forward to it.

And 3. In the song they're talking about chemistry, I know.  The kind of chemistry in relationships, not the class.  Yeahyeahyeah.  But right now, I'm hating biology.  So I just inserted it where chemistry is supposed to be.  I'm making an 87 in there right now, which isn't too thrilling when you're normally used to 96s and 97s.  And your teacher kind of creeping you out doesn't help much either.

But the funny thing is, all these annoyances don't seem to matter to me anymore.  Ever since I found Ephesians 6:15, God's been showing me all the little things.  As of late those include: beasting at my volleyball game last night, my crush sitting by me at church *blushes*, and a zucchini muffin from my best friend yesterday morning.  Sorry guys, I went off chasing butterflies for a moment.  Little things are worth the chasing, though :)

Back to the everyday annoyances.  They just roll off my back now.  It's like I could care less what people think of me anymore.  I mean, the worst they can do is call me a name.  Make fun of my faith.  Tell me I don't know how to have fun and that I'm a total geek.  The point is, we all have faults.  We could always point out something wrong with someone else.  And ourselves.  Maybe our mistakes are what make us beautiful.  Beautiful messes, cleaned up by The Janitor, name-tag reading, "Jesus". Now if we can only learn to look past the mess part and see the beautiful.

"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am."

if i was brave i'd write a letter to the president...

If you ask me, Hawk Nelson is completely ingenious.  But lucky for you this post isn't about Hawk Nelson.  'Cause if it was, you'd be reading for the next 24 hours ;)

No, it's about standing up for what's right.  *crowd gasps*

How else do I put it?  CHRISTIANS ARE BABIES.  And you're thinking, "Um, Anna, you say you're a Christian, so technically aren't you calling yourself a baby...?"

Okay, I admit it.  I AM A BABY WHEN IT COMES TO STANDING UP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT.

"Christians, we're all afraid of fire.  We prefer to suck on pacifiers."

I've sat through many a conversation about homosexuality, abortion - you name it - and not said a word.  Sure, if someone gets me fired up or challenges me.  But until then, I'm quieter than a mouse.

"If I was brave I'd write a letter to the President and he would pass it to the leaders of our Parliament.  But for now I won't say nothing..."

So right here, right now I'm gonna tell you exactly what I think.  America is going down the drain.  Why?

1. HOMOSEXUALITY.  I don't care how much you 'love' each other.  It's wrong, nasty, and God blatantly tells us it's detestable.  (Leviticus 20:13)

2. ABORTION.  It's murder.  It just is.  There's no other 'nice' way to put it.  That baby is an innocent, living creature of God - someone who shouldn't be taken for granted.  I wrote my research paper on it last year, so believe me, I know my stuff when it comes to this.  (Psalm 139:13-14)

3. SEX BEOFRE MARRIAGE.  God tells us to save ourselves, to be pure.  Paul even encourages staying single if you can control yourself from lusting!  (1 Corinthians 7:2)

"Not to mention date rape, felony, and car theft.  Break it down and tell me what we got left."

Nothing.  We have nothing but a nation that has flushed morals down the toliet.  But as for me, I'm not gonna take it anymore.  I can't stand to let teenagers to wonder what's right and what's wrong.  Okay, so maybe I won't write Obama a letter.  But I'm gonna voice my opinion, put in my two cents.  No more doormat.

"As for now I'll start with something."

[songs: "Down in Flames" by Relient K and "Letters to the President" by Hawk Nelson]

day sixteen: a song that makes you cry [or laugh...]

Let's start with the happy one, 'cause I like happy things :)

Then the sad one...but it's a bitter-sweet thing, ya know?

Sorry for such a short post today, girly-os!  Volleyball conditioning is starting up and I didn't get in till late.  Hope you're getting lots of sunshine like I am!  Can't wait to welcome spring with open arms :)

love-love-love,

anna :)

day one: a favorite song.

Don't get excited.  I'm not all the way back yet. :(  Bleah wanted me to do this thing so bad that she agreed to post the first seven days of it for me.  But yeah.  So yes, I wrote this post.  But *sigh* I didn't actually post it.

Anyway, Bleah and Ky are doing the 30-day blog challenge (I know May Amelia did it last month!) and I gave into peer pressure and agreed to do it, too.  Pushover?  No.  Peace-keeper?  YESSS.

So.  Back to my favorite song.  That's a toughie.  I love so many artists that write oh-so-many songs.  My favorite band is Stellar Kart (no surprise there!) and I love, love, LOVE their newest album "Everything is Different Now".  My lifesong is "Crazy Love" by *cheers* Hawk Nelson, but it's not the song that's on repeat for me right now.  No...that would be "Getting into You" by Relient K.  Why?  Well, it's like this: I want to love Jesus.  I want to read my Bible.  I want to be committed.  I want to be "Super-Christian".  But in all reality, I can't be all of that *snaps fingers* like that.   I have to gradually fall in love with Jesus - it doesn't happen over night.  And that's why I love this song right now.  I'm still learning, still growing.  I'm getting into Him.

And Matthew Thiessen's voice is rather captivating so...I'm going with "Getting into You". :)

Your Matty T. lovin' author,

anna :)

P.S.  I MISS YOU GUYS!

Hehehe... Bleah here. *wink*
I love y'all...
I love Anna too. *cheesy smile*

[...i wanna be innocent, Yours whole heartedly...]

The truth is, I don't feel like doing a full-fledged post right now.  So.  Here's whatcha get :)

Songs on replay:
-Letters to the President by Hawk Nelson
-Innocent by Stellar Kart
-There's A Place For Us by Carrie Underwood
-Identity by Lecrae
-Forward Motion by Relient K

Songs I'm dancing to:
-Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
-How We Roll by Britt Nicole
-Centerfield by Stellar Kart
-The Change Inside of Me by Mercy Me
-Sadie Hawkins Dance by Relient K

Songs that sing me to sleep:
-Angels in Chorus by Stellar Kart
-Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift
-Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns
-Vanilla Twilight by Owl City
-Background by Lecrae

P.S. - I would like to publicly apologize to Ky for saying his blog looked girly.  I feel horrible! His blog's really cool and I would totally encourage to check his blog out right ---------> HERE! :)

[...and I'm begging You to be my escape...]

Finals start tomorrow.

I.am.going.to.die.

That is if we go to school. The weatherman's telling us we're gonna have freezing rain. Which means slick roads. Which means no school.

But most likely, it will be regular rain and I'll end up sitting in a classroom taking finals, which are 10% of my grade. 10 PERCENT!

So, I'm praying extra hard. For God to be my escape out of all this nervousness. All of this fear. So I can just sit down, take these tests, and do all I can do - MY BEST.

But in the mean time, Relient K is rather comforting.

"I gotta get outta here

I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.

I gotta get outta here.

And I'm begging You,

I'm begging You,

I'm begging You, to be my escape..."

relient k = ahmazing :)

So. I have a new obsession. Their name's Relient K. Ya see, I'd heard about them, but I was really stuck on Stellar Kart. Which I still love them with all my ever loving heart, but I think I've 'wore them out', as Bleah put it. I know every single lyric to every single song, and well, they get old after a while. Sure, I'm still gonna listen to them. I think they're the BEST BAND EVER.

But I am turning over a new leaf. It's called the Relient K leaf :)

Matthew Thiessen is witty and clever, and his songs show that.

And this one's my favorite :)

...as of right now...

Anyway, enough with all the chit chat. Here's the song that's been blaring through my headphones for the past week :)