determinate, d-d-determinate!

I have a confession to make.

Hi, my name is Anna.  I'm four days away from being sixteen and I love the band Lemonade Mouth.

*laughs* Like ya'll are gonna judge me for that.  I should know better by now.  Silly me. *shakes head*

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Now that that's out of the way, let's continue to the real reason for this post.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, that 'confession' above has a lot to do with this post.  I really worry about what people think of me.  I mean, yes, you should care to a certain extent.  As in they know you're a Christian and you're different because Jesus' is in you.  But I care way beyond that.  I care about what they think about my hair, my complexion, my clothes, my grades..everything?  And I shouldn't.  You can't live your life trying to please everyone.  'Cause it's just not gonna happen.

Consequently, I've always kind of.. hid, I guess.  I've always shied away from the spotlight or anything moderately close to it.  Take my singing for example.  Yes, I sing special music at church.  I've been in choirs.  I've had solos in school programs.  I sing when I'm jamming with my friends.  But the fear of people saying I'm awful or not liking my voice has kept me from using my talent to it's fullest.  I'm not trying to brag on myself here (please, please, please don't take it that way!), but I can sing well.  Very well.  And the only ones that get to hear it are my shower head and my parents.  The rest of the world sees a girl that can keep a tune and sings alright, not recording material.

That would be fine, I guess..that is, if I didn't wanna be a singer.  *takes deep breath*  Did I just type that?  I did.  Oh, gosh.

See, I haven't admitted this to many people (feel loved!) -- I know most everyone would shoot it down, telling me it's a one-in-a-million chance blah blah blah blah blah.  So I've kept it deep inside my heart, pondering the thought for at least three years or so.  Til today.

It's not like I want to be a teen sensation like Justin Bieber or a good-girl-gone-bad like Miley.  I don't want to be on the cover of People or anything or sell a million records.  I'd just like to write songs about what I've gone through and share them with the world.  About what God's done for me.  About a kid with beautiful eyes.  About embracing today.  About wanting to change the world so bad you write a post about it.

I want them to know I'm not just the freaky Jesus girl in the corner.  I have a life that's real and important and a purpose for living like I do.  That God isn't a big, unconcerned guy that sits up in the clouds doing nothing.  That I'm waiting on a guy that might never feel the same way.  That I want to be seen.  That I want to change the world.  

That I want to determinate.

"Gotta turn the world into your dance floor, determinate, d-d-terminate.  Push it til you can't and then demand more, d-d-terminate.  You and me together, we can make it better.  Gotta turn the world into your dance floor, determinate, d-d-terminate!" -Lemonade Mouth

me & love songs.

This is kind of pathetic, but I've been writing a love song.  I feel really Taylor Swift-ish and cheesy, but I dunno.  I was just laying in bed one night and it was like God just handed me lyrics.  And yes, it's about a real guy that I know that I like. So now you know. *takes deep breath* Here it goes.

The Kid With the Beautiful Eyes
By me, Anna.

I'm walking down the hall
When I look up to see
Those beautiful eyes
Smiling right at me
I force myself to grin
But I really wanna cry
'Cause I know the kid with the beautiful eyes will never be mine

He's confident, he's a gentleman
He's everything I've ever wanted
He's genuine, he's passionate
He makes me feel like I belong and
Everything'll be alright
He's the kid with the beautiful eyes

I wonder if he knows
All I really wanna say
Is "hi, hello, what's up?", ya know?
Or just a simple "hey"
His laugh is like a song
That gets stuck in my head
And I remember every conversation we've ever had

He's confident, he's a gentleman
He's everything I've ever wanted
He's genuine, he's passionate
He makes me feel like I belong and

He's good with kids, he doesn't quit
He keeps his chin up through it all and
He's unashamed, he knows my name
But he doesn't know how hard I'm fallin'
He just smiles and walks on by
He's the kid with the beautiful eyes

I've got a shoe box full of letters
And one of them's to you
Maybe one day you will read it
And then you'll see it, too

She's confident, she's innocent
She's everything you ever wanted
She's gentle and she's beautiful
She makes you feel like you belong and
She's been here all this time
She's the girl right in front of your eyes

I'm the girl right in front of your eyes

lists + lyrics.

Let's begin, shall we? :)

1. School No organization skills whatsoever.
The obvious, I suppose.  But lately, it's been ten times worse.  I blame it on my disorganization.  My mom claims my room looks like a pig-sty, and well, if that's the case then my biology and chemistry study guides are somewhere in the mist of the pig-pen -- namely, my four walls.  That narrows it down right? *sarcasm evident in voice*  So.  Tonight is going to be a Mission: Organization kind of night.  Bedroom, closet, backpack, binders -- my life -- will soon look like the front cover of a home and gardens magazine. Let's hope it stays that way. *pauses a moment*  *laughs*

2. Prayer.  After prayer after prayer.
I've had the God-are-you-listening, my-prayers-are-bouncing-off-the-ceiling-and-smacking-me-in-the-face feeling for the past few days.  It seems no matter how hard I try to get off of myself and onto God, I never do.  Rather, the opposite.  "Face down, this carpet tastes like coffee grounds, ground into my face now.  And every angle is covered with just another Band-Aid."  Matthew Thiessen, thank you for understanding.

My mom brought up the point that I need to give it to God instead of trying to do it by my own power.  I have a hard time with not being in control of my future.  I know His plans for me surpass anything I could ever dream of, but my faith is shaky, so my future is blurry.  Why can't I just lay the future in His hands? It's already there anyway.  I'm just fighting it.  But why?  There's nothing to fight.

3. Heart-jumbled.
My heart is all confused right now, thanks to a guy.  A guy!  I feel ridiculous.  I've always been the kind of girl that has been proud to stand on my own two feet.  Like that lyric in La La Land by Demi Lovato that says, "Who says I can't be single and have to go out and mingle?"  Or at least I thought I was.  I've been stuck on this guy for almost an entire year.  My heart's holding onto him excitedly waving, him sitting by me, him grinning wide whenever I walk in the room.  But I the rest of me says, "Seriously, Anna?  Don't spend your whole life waiting for a guy that might not want to be waited on."

In conclusion, this post can be summed up in these lyrics:
"Oh where is my hairbrush, oh where is my hairbrush?!"  Veggie Tales = essence of my childhood.

"So I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape.  And I'll trust You, God, with where I am and believe that You will have Your way..." -Britt Nicole

"And when you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door.  Oh, but if it don't stay beautiful.." -Taylor Swift

lists + lyrics = my life as of late.

how 'bout you?

dear soccer,

I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you!  And for no reason at all, really.  Besides the fact that you're extremely exciting to watch and some of the guy players are quite attractive. *blushes*  But really, you're just so intense!

I was on the edge of my seat the entire game last night.  Between the head-butts, kicks halfway across the field, and goals that were so close I could taste them, I was completely mesmerized.  It was like I had found my true love, except, well...oh, never mind.  The experience was enthralling, and it was as though I had ended a novel with a cliff hanger -- I wanted more!

Yes, yesterday was the first soccer game I've ever attended.  And yes, I attended because my cousin was playing and I needed ten bonus points in chemistry. *shuffles feet* But you definitely made it worthwhile! With a score of 1 to 1, 10 minutes of overtime, and then PKs, my nerves were kicking in. During the last shot, you had everyone on their feet.  I can still picture it: the ball flying through the cold, autumn air, whirling past the goalie's opened hands, and making a comforting swish as it landed in the net.  For only a moment, there was complete silence, then the crowd roared with applause and fans flooded the field.  The soccer guys attacked each other with hugs and noogies*, full of pride for their team and the heart each player had given.  It gave me that warm-fuzzy feeling* from the ends of my hair to tips of my toes.  And it was only 30 degrees outside.

What a great sport you are.  One game and you've won (no pun intended! ;)) me over.  I can't wait until we meet again.

Sincerely,
Anna

*an action in which a guy puts another guy in a headlock, then lovingly scrubs his victim's head with his fist as though washing a dog

*the sensation that occurs when you see a puppy sleeping or a baby smile :)

worth it.

"You're worth it, you can't earn it.  The cross has proven that you're sacred and blameless.  Your life has purpose..." -Mikeschair

Not gonna lie.  I've read other peoples' blogs and felt completely worthless.  Is that weird?  Maybe.  But for a while -- until this post -- Blogger became a place that I always felt inferior, awkward, and unbeautiful (new word.  I make those up a lot.)  Which is funny.  Because I started this blog to share my mishaps, my opinions on books, movies, people, God and everything He has planned for us -- my life -- with others. With you.  Not look at others' lives and compare them to my own.

My life isn't all about vintage clothing, recipes, and traveling across the sea to England or Africa.  My life is about learning to love God, striving to love people.  About leaving my PSAT check in my basketball shorts in my bedroom floor.  About getting aggravated at how fake so people can be.  About getting a high-five from Lecrae.  About my crush holding the door for me.  About the life Jesus has given me and taking it one step at a time, converse on my feet, lyrics floating through my mind.  That's my life.

I don't care for things other Bloggers like.  Take photography for example.  I don't enjoy to taking pictures of crisp, red apples or the vibrant grass in my backyard or my outfits or of anything really.  Maybe at concerts or one sunset I think is inspirational.  But not of every little detail.  My blog is more words and music, verses that stick out to me, random tags I've selected.  That's just what I like to blog about.

And a lot of people say, "Well, I don't want my blog to be a dumping ground, so I share the happy stuff." That's completely understandable.  But it creates the illusion of perfection for all who read their blog, which brings us back to where I started.  I felt worthless because my life didn't sound like novel chapters, intriguing and beautifully written.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I honestly blog for me as much as I do for ya'll.  And seeing all these posts about 'seemingly perfect lives', I don't want you to feel that way about me.  My life is not perfect.  My life is worth it.  Because of a man named Jesus who treasures my life over His own.  He gave His life so I could experience it.  That's why I blog.  Because I have a purpose and one day, He's gonna make it so worth it.